DEPRESSION....

May we discover through pain and torment,the strength to live with grace and humor.May we discover through doubt and anguish, the strength to live with dignity and holiness.May we discover through suffering and fear, the strength to move toward healing.May it come to pass that we be restored to health and to vigor.May Life grant us wellness of body, spirit, and mind. And if this cannot be so, may we find in this transformation and passagemoments of meaning, opportunities for loveand the deep and gracious calm that comes when we allow ourselves to move on.
The spirits of the mountain exist in strength.Their roots are deep in the Earth,their heads pierce the air and mount to the sky above.They dance from flat to peakand, spiraling, descend again.Good Ones, when I come under your trees and upon your stones,guide me.

HALF..AND THE OTHER half OF ME!!!

i'm stranded here of no where...as HALF of me gone missing...and the other half of me still strugling (hopefully at least for something).
Please any1..tell me what to do..

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Rumah ku ada hantu..?????

Awas ..Hantu ni gemar mencopet bedak sejuk dan facial mask!

Ni lah wajah dia time public holiday!...Mecca namanya.

Indahnya dibuai mimpi...sakitnya bergelut dgn mimpi...

Mimpi adalah Anugerah Ilahi yang tiada peghujungnya..???

Sometimes people say to us..." SWEEETDREAM YA!"....How good if each time we go to sleep a sweeeeeeetdream will fetch us and pamper us till morning. We 'll surely hate to wake up next morn and let go that very sweeetdream. Me myself, if got that very sweetdream and suddenly ter'wake up midnight, i will quickly flip my pillow and try hard to continue my sweetdream. Next mornning i will wake wishing that my sweetdream last night will come true..BUT will it?...Hidup tidak seindah yang kita mimpikan, unfortunately! (each time i got nightmare...hmmmm hehehe..so bad !)

And This is about the real dream while we are sleeping. Two nights before i got a badnews that my bestfriend died on last Wedn 12th Nov, i was dreaming of seeing a few peoples (that i thought i know who they are..)wearing a wedding attire, but i coudnt see their face..couldt tell who they are. i remembered lasttime my mum did metion that this kind of dream is a sign of bad news. ..when i got the new about what happen to my bestfriend then it made me recalled my dream.

Then a this morning we received a early morning call from my mum letting us know that my grandpa (my grandma's younger bro) ..he d been suffering from somekind of abdomen ulcer. But me and my siblings couldnt fly home..so only can afford to say prayer for him. May God Bless him.

im not sure wether my body tiredness, emotion and mind stability got something to do with this..but lately i feel like im a bit scared to fall asleep...im scared if i start dreaming as lately i ve been dreaming so many strange things..(too many subtopic in 1 night's dream)..yet i cant even tell respectively on what actually those dream all about. But lastnight, 1 of the subtopic in my dream was really outstanding..made me feel good till now eventhoug this morn i woke up fetched by a bad news about my grandpa then followed some argument with my spouse. BUT having that little part sweet dream last night, i think i can take anything in easy..at least till NOW!

Have u ever get a repeated dream? like been somewhere in your dream then sometime later you dreaming being in the sameplace again ! ...How about sleep-walking? hahaha..atau buat2 sleep-walking.?

Sendiri mau ingat lah..

Mu'alaf Murtad kerana..( Part 2)

Assalam.....
Perjalanan hidup yang kita takkan tahu mana penghujungnya......sementara nafas masih ada, kat mana kita letakkan diri kita dimata dunia, dimata org lain,dimata sendiri dan yg penting di mata ALLAH?..... terpulang pada diri masing2.

Berbalik pada nasib mu'alaf ....some still wondering around with no clear pic at all..some might already know (good for them), some might think that they knew but ..., and some still thinking, some still blur..and some just dont care anymore...

In the beginning the excitement of having new life is wonderful....high spirit..wonderful determination saying " THIS IS WHAT I WANT! I WILL NEVER TURN AROUND!"..looking forward to learn and walk their newly reborn life. As they move on..so many things come across.

1 case where...the learning process itself really challenging...when new life just began and the moment that this 2 mu'alafs really keen to learn and looking forward to dig as much as possible knowledge in this new religion of her. ..suddenly they were stopped coz being sexually harassed by this irresponsible fellow that being addressed as 'ustaz' at their religious learning centre. WELL..to a new convert, isn't it totally confusing to see this kind of behaviour of a person called 'religious teacher'???? This shameful ..disgraceful..appalling behaviour of that "rather deserved to be called 'bastard'" ustaz has totally killed their heart to move on. They walked away from that newly began journey with broken hearted- full of disgust and abhorrence towards that fellow. 1 of these mu'alaf walked away for good (no news till now..) while the other 1 tooks about few years of turn-down where she's totally refused to start all over again.. questioning "Whats da point of putting an effort when i dont even see the beauty of it? i thougt that Islam religion claimed to be the most beautiful religion among all..but look at the follower? ...and worst-the 1 so called as RELIGIOUS TEACHER!"... poor! kerana nila setitik rosak susu sebelanga.
See? i hv no idea on how many people can really think of how damn big is the impact on poor cases like this...but for those new comers who so unfortunately experienced this....theres a BIG brunt of it!! ... Tertutup hati untuk meneruskan niat murni... descended away all alone...

TO BE CONTINUED......

DONT KNOW WHAT TO FEEL...my fren died and the other friend delivered a baby in a same day..

(Gambar kenangan...our gathering after about 13 years didnt see each other. Anah wearing pink string top)

My Best Friend….God LOVES U most…

SESUNGGUHNYA ALLAH MAHAKUASA..SEGALA YG BERLAKU ADALAH KETENTUAN NYA.

Oh My God…10.15am this morning I got a sudden sms frm Juefy (Juita)…it says “saya cuma nak bagitau,..Anah meninggal dunia semalam, kena langgar lori masa balik dari kerja” ..reading this sms, I was like…”OH GOD!! Cannot Be..How could this happen. Juefy must be kidding me!..” then I called Juefy straight away. She couldn’t talk then somebody else grab the phone..it was Garry (Gracy)..She said..” Geeda, Anah is no more around…I have no more friend at work” ..i was screaming..”what happened? Please say u guyz are kidding..i don’t believe this..PLEEAAASEEE!” Garry told me that Anah was about to get down from the public bus from work the at the moment she come out from the bus, she was hit by a lorry. Then garry couldnt talk anymore..she said she will call back coz they are heading to Anah’s house to see Anah’s body. Then I called Catherine at kg…she just knew about it from Garry but she couldn’t make it to Anah’s funeral as Cath is on her confinement on her 1st baby girl named Tiara. Then after that conversation over the phone ,I was all BLANK! I couldn’t believe this…I’ve been happily chatting with Anah almost everyday…selagi ada peluang I will be on line with her. Sharing so many things..been chatting about having kids..coz Anah married to Mr Thiel a very handsome Germany guy since 4 years ago..tapi sampai sekarang masih belum ada rezeki lagi untuk dapat anak.. a baby that she ‘ been longing for…she wanted it for so loooong. Oh dear..pity her. Recently we were planning to go to Europe together coz she said she is now saving money cos she s planning to visit her in-law family in Europe again next year. She visited them once last time. So since I also planning(more like dreaming lah) to visit my brother in Dublin to we were chatting about our dream trip of going abroad together. Actually ive been wondering why she kept on saying that she really proud and solute me for being so strong in struggling on what I’ve been tru in my life line…padahal I ni pulak very jealous ( in positive way) on her achievement in her carrier in tourism and also her wonderful marriage with her ‘lelaki impian’. (mat salleh pulak tu). We’ve been sharing a lot about this topics lately. CARRIER AND MARRIAGE. And today...when they told me that she s no more around..oh GOD!!

Anah…a best friend of mine..and other gangs ( like Garry, Catherine, Juita, Jane, Hamisah, samsiah and few more) since 1993 when we were in SMK Project Gemilang Likas (school for BRAINY & ATHLETIC students) ..then after that we further study together in ALL SAINTS School. Lepas tu bawa diri masing2…tak jumpa selama almost 13 years…then in early 2006 tiba2 contact balik sesame sendiri…kebetulan I balik kg pd December 2006 we gathered again….just 2 hours gathering .byk benda dah berubah EXCEPT our FRIENDSHIP..time gathering ni i sempat ambik gambar and letak kat my frienster. That’s the last time I met Anah…the last warm hug from her. We’ve been missing each other so much. Then this year end of May 2008 I went back to my hometown again coz my sister Jess khawin and also my own wedding universary(konon, tumpang party orang ni). BUT unfortunately I tak sempat jumpa kawan2 except for Cath(sebab satu kg) coz I only stay there for 2 weeks where schedule were very very tight as we are too busy preparing for the big day. Then my frens pulak kg dorang jauh2. After I came back to KL the Anah was so angry coz tak sempat bejumpa. then i said to her that '"nanti saya balik lah lagi, still got time andwe can do a proper-planned gathering again". Now i realised that pepatah ESOK MASIH ADA tidak menjanjikan satu harapan yang pasti.

So at the moment... all I can do ... keep browsing Anah’s Friendster webpage with nonstop tears. The only site that we can glance tru to see her pics collection. I really hope if this blog of hers will remain here…with no subscription expiry date. ...God! I wish I can fly there to her funeral to pay last respect to her..unfortunately I couldn’t . I’m stranded here (couldn’t leave my kids coz they having high fever and also chicken fox)…cuma mampu termenung dan menangisi pemergian seorang teman baik yang begitu bermakna dalam hidup saya. Dia pergi meninggalkan perlbagai kenangan pahit manis ketika bersama dulu…dan meninggalkan perbagai falsafah hidup yang dia sempat kongsi dengan saya kebelakangan ni..walaupun dengan cara hidup yang berbeza TAPI kami berkongsi & memahami satu pegangan hidup yang sama. I will remember all those lines about life that you’ve been telling me. Anah my dear….semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas roh mu! Sesungguhnya Allah lebih menyayangi mu. Amin

. Anah Linduman @ Anah Thiel in loving memory..



DI HARI YANG SAMA....sesungguhnya ALLAH Mahakuasa.....i was wondering about my other gudfriend on her "counting big day" peak season. Counting days to deliver her very first baby..so i sms her this afternoon...THANKS GOD...dia selamat bersalin..tru Caesarean..she delivered a babyboy this afternoon at 1pm....Congratulation SUE!


So today...so many things came across....i ended up with "undescribable" feeling. For what i know..i feel so "PURPLE + BLUE" all around.

What a Loooong Day.....

I have not clarify the boundary of yesterday and today...coz i'm still up since yesterday(supposed to be yesterday) but since im still awake till now...so my yesterday's day is still on and i will declare my 'today' after i get some sleep later...hahahaha....itu kata saya lah..kalau korang tak paham statement saya ni...atau tak setuju dengan statement saya ni...takpe, takyah susah2 kan kepala nak argue dalam otak sendiri pasal statement saya yg memang saya kata betul ni. saya ni cuma nak merapu di subuh2 buta yang belum cukup matang subuhnyer untuk solat subuh.

im not sure if other people expriencing the same thing like this..where...when i couldnt sleep...so many things comes into my mind..my brain will voluntary search lots of things to tell and to care about.this is unstopable!! Before this...when this happen, i will go and take some sleeping pills...BUT STILL..those pills will make my whole body liveless...tak bermaya langsung..YET my brain still working ,counting,thinking and lots more xxxking'..then the next morning ..i will wake still in tiredness....my body strugling for energy while my brain baru terkial kial turning blank.
so moral of the story...never never take sleeping pills.

Mualaf murtad kerana ..?

Most of the time...this lady ended up keeping everything by herself..." maybe I said the best...when i say nothing at all!" ..keeping everything without a word. Can u imagine that? she has been keeping those little pieces of un-spelled dynamites bit by bit deep inside her heart...becoming a huge mountain of timer bomb waiting to explode...but life has to go on no matter what.

Welcome to the story on -what about those people called "mu'alaf"? they started "as new born" life as mu'alaf even though they'd been living half of their age as non-muslim..at the moment they converts to Muslim..they are assumed as "newborn" in Islam. Living this what so called as "new life" for them...ITS NOT THAT EASY! no joke..NOT EASY!

As they really become a new born "tend to confuse" baby. Why? Imagine that you've been living maybe half (or more) of your age in this Lifestyle A...and now you have to change everything into Lifestyle B-Z . Who did really care about them? In religious part of it...maybe they can always turn to any Jab Agama for an advice and guidance...but how about Emotionally? Moral support, Financially (some)...and a lot more. and 1 thing is that eventhough they can go to jab Agama for an advice, most of them wouldnt have the gut to tell EVERYTHING (the prob they r facing) to the jabtn people.

Actually, its not that they purposely ask for attention...but they just need one regardless to their age. They really need one. As they start they new life, they will need some1 that really care? To guide them, to tell them to keep going, to give them courage, to support them emotionally and morally, and TO LOVE them in many ways...coz most of the time and cases LOVE can make the biggest impact...RACUN DAN PENAWAR!

well then....when some mu'alaf turn back to their previous religion or to their family coz of 1001 reason...they will ended up being blamed as " full of sin MURTAD "...then only people all around start questioning and blaming....but before this kind of thing happen...did any1 really really care? WHY and WHY.... Well...Those who simply converted "with agenda" will simply take it for granted... maybe they will just 'come and go" as they wish...so maybe nothing much others can help....To the mu'alaf themselve-1st of all of course..depends their (mu'alaf) heart , sincerity and determination. How sincere he/she is? ..and pity to those who are really really sincere but then neglected in many ways.... and most of them just not STRONG ENOUGH to move on...

Cases like...being betrayed by their muslim born spouse.....tak kira lah sama ada mualaf tersebut memeluk agama Islam atas keinginan sendiri ataupun atas sebab2 berkhawin....namun peranan si suami / isteri adalah AMAT2 PENTING...bayangkan apabila mu'alaf tersebut telah memartabatkan suami atau isterinya sebagai CONTOH PENGANUT ISLAM YG TERDEKAT untuk dicontohinya, satu2nya tempat dia mengadu nasib....then tup tup....spouse nyer pulak menipu atau berlaku curang terhadapnya. ...OH MY GOD!....dalam byk2 cabaran...inilah tamparan yang paling hebat bagi seseorang mu'alaf.... ramai yg akan hilang pegangan dan berpaling tadah @MURTAD kerana terseksa dengan perangai spouse sendiri. Hanya sedikit yang bertahan.

And then what about those cases where their spouse never give a proper Religious guidance ...the spouse not even performing their prayer....membiarkan mu'alaf tersebut terkial2 mencari arah sendiri, terkial2 mencari ilmu Islam sendirian....u know what....this is really killing...ramai mana yg betul2 bertahan? some mualaf tu bertahan hanya kerana anak2...menerus kan hidup dengan sisa2 hati yang dah hancur...and some ended up dengan dendam....the worst thing is that-some mualaf wont even think of anyone else, they will just turn around and go back to their previous life or religion...or to their parents or family ( apatah lagi jika selama dia jadi mu'alaf, parents or family dia (yg non-muslim) pulak yang sentiasa berada di sisi dia dan dekat di hati dia, comforting her/him. Cases like this-we cannot blame the mu'alaf's family at all. as they appear as wonderful people...They've being very nice..very good human being, being so loving as family ....believing in God(eventhough they are quoted as "non-muslim)...and what more if this family are well mannered and behaving much more better than those NATURE BORN MUSLIM.

It would be a big relief if the mualaf get this very welcoming and supportive family-in-law. their warm welcome can make a very huge difference...spiritual support to the new comer.

But how pity..when some mu'alaf happen to get this 'one kind' mannered in-laws family. Giving more complaints than guidance.. some even dare to humiliate the new comer..labeling the new comer as ' keturunan kafir'...ooohhhh how hurting is that!!!! the mu'alaf will definately CRASHED!! ...then most cases, the family-in-law are expecting too much extreme changes from the new comer!..where by, those new comer definately need some time to adapt and learn so many new things in this brand life. what more if that the mualaf came from a totally in different race and cultures background from their spouse family.

So..dear outsider...never jump into bad conclusion if u meet/see those new comer (mu'alaf)appear to be standing not as high as the level that you simply expect them to be. Go close to them and get to know them better...then only u know everything that you see,happen for some reason.

To be continued.....